It's not that I'm upset that you keep saying you saw hot girls today, but the fact that it worries me that they might steal you away. It isn't the fact that you say that you cannot get them that gives me peace, but the fact that you already accepted to be with a girl so imperfect as me. You worry me, day in and day out, with your foolish behaviour and your senseless actions. You make me fear, as much as you make me love. The harder I fall, the more scared I get.

When I was told she got angry for you not using a "full stop" in your sentence, I listen, learned, and then applied. I tried my best not to get angry with you over small things that don't mean that much, especially to you, understanding your denseness. You webcam me, but you don't look at me when you open the webcam, and I stare back while waiting, and looking at how long you actually don't look at me. You keep saying you're handsome, and yes, of course I can agree. But when you say you see hot girls, don't you think they might just feel that you're handsome too? Of course I'm scared, I'm freaked out by the fact that some girl may just fall for you and ask you out or for your number. Sure I'm fine with it, but if it progresses any more than that I'm scared to my wits' end.

We didn't start off properly, or honestly, not even for the right reasons. I felt so guilty, when we got together. Day in day out, I worried, even for her. She kept posting about you, and you still kept keeping in contact with her, you always do. You've gotten back with her once, don't you think you might just do it again?

Sure I don't look like I'm scared at all, but inside, I'm freaking out. I'm tearing my heart apart, and no one sees it, not even you. I keep saying, two can play at a game. The more you talk about you looking at hot girls, the more I will say how many guys are trying to ask me out. I want to play on the same level as you, to make you afraid that you might lose me, but most importantly, to show how precious I am. I just wish I was that precious in your eyes. Everyday I want to remind you that I can be lost, as easily as I could lose you.

Your smoking is a big problem to me. I hate it a lot, but what can I do to stop it, but only have mere warnings. Out of 5 chances, you are already 3 down. By the 5th, I'd just break, because I wouldn't be able to take it any more. I CAN'T STAND IT, SERIOUSLY.

Every night I wish you would kiss me to sleep. To send me to my bed with you following behind. I love you. I miss you. I want you to stay. Whatever to change you, to make you my perfect man, to make sure that what I say about not wanting short or long term relationships, is true. Change, for me to know that I can actually PMS and have a peace of mind at the same time.

I feel like I'm being left alone again. I feel misunderstood. I feel left out. And I want to stay left out until something resovles. I don't know what to do now. I seriously don't. I truly appreciate everyone around me, but I feel so left out. And not by choice. They laugh and type, all behind the screen, which I don't understand and I can't see. What am I to do but sit there, feel empty and wait for an answer to be told to me, since I can't score my own answer by asking.

I was misunderstood. You don't know how I feel, what I'm thinking and what I felt. I know what I did, and I don't want this to continue anymore, seriously. At least everyone's solving their problem while I'm trying to solve my own. I don't know what you were doing just now, but I also didn't like it, and I already got your point. I don't like it, when I act like a calefare. And I really felt like one. And I was feeling so on about this clique and everything is falling down as it is. One couple giving up, and me, I don't even know how to put it. You're ignoring me, and I thought we were so close. We are only friends, really close friends. And now I feel like I'm losing another close friend. Again.

What am I supposed to do? To regain your trust, to be able to talk to you again. To just hug you properly. This is just absurb. And I really can't stand it no more. Because I just feel so breakable right now. I am your friend. So please just treat me like one.

I hate the fact the closeness between us is gone. It just blew. Into a million pieces.

I spent christmas with a bunch of crazy people. And they made my time great. But it really just felt that somewhere it was just empty. You walked away, heartlessly, with no good reason. After I found why, it just made Christmas worse. I over ate the otahs because of cravings, and my skin is killing me now. I slept through the whole day after Daryl and Hanson had left. Tell me, even if you said merry christmas to me would that even make me feel better? Does it change anything?

You started this 3 months ago, and you're the one ending right now. Do you think that you can just keep choosing everything while I'm just here to please you with what you want? You came to me, saying that you wanted to be the guy that wanted to give me my happiness, now you leave, giving no good excuse, or even for me to have my say of anything, telling me you love me and leaving me 2 days straight after.

Your happy sick minded brain is much more worth than my broken heart right? I thought I could trust you to bring me joy, but instead you brought me pain. You said sorry, but do you even mean it? You told me you loved me, did you even feel it?

I'm angry, I feel tortured, that I still don't have the heart to let you go. And yet you came to me, making me give up anything for you, while you leave, heartlessly, like the past 3 months didn't mean a single thing to you. Thanks for ruining christmas for me. Now at least I know I won't make the same mistake twice.

Come the start of school. I want you to get your results. For 3 weeks I didn't bother you during your exam. Let's see what all those "I can't call you because I'm busy studying but I'm actually playing games" nights really come out of your results. Don't mind me for cursing you to retain, but then only will my message get through to you. All the best you ass. And merry christmas.

I didn't really let go the feeling. It's still there. For some reason, it's always been there, never going away. Why does this only happen to you, and yet no one else? Why only you? Why do I trust you with my whole life just like that? It's mad, the moment I know you I'm willing to give you everything just like that. WHY IS THAT? You make me feel like you're worth waiting my whole life for, that you're just this close yet you're this far. I can't stand feeling like that. You fit me so well, yet I can't be yours.

You can't get over me totally, and neither can I. The moments we share, it feels, WONDERFUL. As much as I want more of it, I know it might just go overboard, so I take a huge step back, standing behind a stone wall, just to protect us both from idiocy. But I'm still yearning for that moment again.

To me, you're perfect, but yet I can't change your decisions about what you want to do. You want to be single, that's your decision. But I can't change it, so I can only wait. If not, give up. But why am I not willing to give up? Why is it this moment I'm just not willing to give up?! You drove me mad, you made me feel hot and cold at the same time, you make my mind dizzy trying to figure you out. You're like the puzzle I've been wanting, an adventure I've been dying for, instead of all those open boring books of everyone else. Why is it I feel this way? This is horrible, weird, yet I still feel that I have hope. It's making me so confused that I want to cry.

Catholic boys sure have a way into my mind, but this one precise catholic boy is giving me hope, pure faith. To believe in it or not, that is another question.

The worst thing about it is that you don't know anything about it.

Well, Hades is on Earth, trying to claim my life in these 3 weeks, trying to steal my soul and bring it to hell with written papers. He already dragged me through a barbed wire within a tunnel ever since my science practical, and now I cannot afford to screw the rest of my exams up. Unfortunately, I can't get myself to study properly, or even pay attention to whatever I'm looking at or reading. It's hell first hand. It's the nervous feeling that you never got before, even this is more scary than death.

Imagine not meeting the expectations of your family members, making them think you're the black sheep of the family, that you can't even make it to a proper polytechnic. They'll think you're stupid, that you shouldn't have watched that video before the exams or whatever bullshit excuse that is used against you. It's just hell when it happens once in PSLE. It's twice the pain when it happens again in O's.

The pity that others have on you when you don't move on to a tertiary studies, when the rest of your gang has moved on, gone up the ladder while you stay stuck there, with the rest of your youngsters. That feeling sucks. I know how my seniors feel. Trust me, it's painful. True, it's hard to move on, but it's worse not to move at all.

No one will be there for you when you don't make it. So you better push hard to make it. Rytha, you better stop trying to crack your brain because all that's gonna come out is shit and not knowledge. You gotta mug, really really hard. You gotta put that stress relieving jigsaw puzzle aside and focus now. It's one time. You only got one chance. Make full use of it. Sure you got alternatives, but you wanna be known for making it into a poly with grades or sports? Or even with a private diploma? That's shit. Your sister's been through it, not once, but twice. Don't be like her. It's not worth it.

It's almost over. 3 more weeks. Starting with english. I'm scared, I'm freaking out. My english has never been this important. Now, I have to write. A god-damn rocking story, and make the cambridge marker who feeds her old cat and in her winter coat impressed with my exposition. And just try my luck for my comprehension. Maths is secondary now. So is everything else.

Rytha, one last chance. You screwed it once with dad, it's not going to happen again. He's gonna kick you out of the house this time for real. You know your dad. Make him proud of he'll make you bleed.

 I saw what you posted, and to tell you the truth, a lot of people know about it also. What's more, the word slut you posted on my blog won't be erased. It'll just be there, for the whole wide world to see. I don't know why all of a sudden you took it off, maybe it was because Janice or Tricia asked you to take it off, or maybe just because you wanted me back or whatever. I don't know what you want. But I'm certain of what I want, and all I know is that I don't want you. You're unhappy with me dating another guy, well too bad. He knows what he's doing, he's doing well in life, he's everything else than what I see in you. A goal in life. Somewhere that I'm sure will bring him much further than you might even get close to. I didn't like him out of pity, he was nice to me. He planned out everything, even without me saying anything. When I said I dunno, at least he knew he had to do something and actually DID something. He's filial, respects his parents and knows what he's that he has to respect their decision while making compromises. Things are already going so well, and it's only been the first week. When I dealt with you and your parents, it made me think whether you were taking them for granted and said they didn't love you or anything like that. It's all bullshit. I don't like you, I never liked your family's attitude, especially towards me, I didn't feel right being with you, and I especially hated going to your house. You know why? Is it my job to be going to your house? Shouldn't it be the other way round? Is it in my duty to make it to your expectations, while you disregard all of mine? Let me make this very very clear to you. You've never made it to my expectations, and you most likely never will. Lie to me? Go ahead. But make sure you're bluffing me till I really believe you. You made me disregard my friends because you made me think that I trust  them more than you. Well, that point of time I really regretted not trusting them above you, because all you said were lies.

I'm just waiting for that day where you get beaten up, and I can proudly say that I told you so. You kept saying that no one will lay a finger on you. Well, guess what? Everyone can lay just one finger on you and you'll be down on the floor in less than a minute. You can continue to guai lan, kao bei, shout vulgar, shoot middle fingers. I wanna see what will happen. I seriously do. Because I just want to see what happens when you don't listen to me and I HAVE to listen to you. Now we're through, you're acting like a child again, bringing up a strong front, thinking that you've got what it takes to make it. You're breaking, and you know it. You're failing, and you know it. You know it's so close breaking you again, and yet you still don't do anything about it. Chest pain? Complain all you want. Not getting better? Do something about it. Doesn't work? Stop doing it and do something else. Don't listen to me some more. Lie to me. See what happen. Smart hor......

Even Yee Seng has a positive outlook on him. Don't bother trying to fight, even if you want to. Seriously, get yourself out of trouble and open your eyes. The world is bringing you down, and you're still not doing anything about it. See what I mean? Look at yourself, think of your future. Want kids? Want a house? a car? good food? Well, earn it. Saying and doing nothing about it is going to bring you nowhere, which is still where you're standing.

I'm not going to be your mum anymore. Don't find love from me if you know you're not going to get it anymore. Because instead of being your girlfriend at that point of time, I just felt like your mum. Being there just for you. And you can't be there for me because I know you can't do anything about anything. Trust me, even if you tried, you couldn't even do anything. Help me with my studies? Cannot. Help me with sports? Cannot. Help me with anything?? Cannot. See what I mean? Is this a two way thing? Can you see why it's never going to work out? Ask yourself this. I may never be your girlfriend again but at least take care of those around you. One time, you say you couldn't live without me. The next you're calling me a slut. Nice work for a boy who said he wasn't immature. Like I said, I'm 99.9% correct. Don't try to deny me. You know you'll screw your whole life upside down.

Don't deny the mother, if not, you'd be driving yourself to your own grave.

 I don't know whether to cry, to just piss off in my own little world, or just say "FUCK YOUUUUU" very loudy at some wall in my room with all the doors and windows shut. I don't really care much about whether you say "I love you" anymore, because you don't really mean it at all. I'm losing all those feelings, and I'm not afraid to tell you. I hate the fact we fight, and it's always that you have to stop half way just to escape from the fight. It's really immature, and it makes me pity you. Ignoring everything won't do anything either, because if you never learn to trust me, I'll never learn to teach you. The more I think about it, the more it reminds me why I liked you in the first place. Was it because of innocence I saw, or was it pity, or was it out of sheer anger and vengeance for Jevons? I don't know, but I don't want to be dragged into the past. Now, I'm clearing my mind, and you're not going to be part of it.

I'm not going to waste my time on someone who keeps thinking that I am not worth waiting for. Don't make it sarcastic that you have to book me 4 weeks in advance just to see me. Like everyone else, they deserve my time, not only you. You're not the only person in the world who needs me. You're a strong person, for once stand up for yourself. Don't think I'd always be there for you. I'm not going to entertain you at the expense of everything else. And I'm sorry, you're not my top priority anymore. You don't support me, you're not the only one that loves me, you can't determine my future for me, and what's more, YOU ARE NOT ME. I don't give a shit if you still don't trust me because I know you still don't. Unfortunately, I'm not stupid, I know what you're feeling and I know what you're thinking.

I'm a person who gives second chances easily. And now, I'm giving once more. But this will be your final chance. I don't want you to become the next Sean. I'm not going to make myself go through so much pain and worry just for a boy again. Not again. I won't be that nice anymore. When you start to piss me off, you're gonna see a big dragon which will tear your life apart. Don't ever make me angry. You won't like me.

Sorry doesn't change anything. And it definitely won't change me, even in your tears.

Fuck you, fuck off. Vulgarities for those who called me insolent dogs. Nice parents you can get. Seriously. They say that they're planning for your birthday, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME THEY CELEBRATED MY BIRTHDAY. They said my dad made the money for my stuff, IS MONEY ALL THAT MATTERS TO YOU? When Gabriel was in the hospital, YOU GUYS RUSHED ALL THE WAY THERE JUST TO SEE HIM. When sending JJ off, IT WAS MY FAULT YOU NEARLY BANGED INTO ANOTHER CAR. IT WAS MY FAULT THAT THE DOG DIED. IT WAS MY FAULT I WAS BORN. IT WAS MY FAULT YOU GUYS HID MY PHONE AND THINK I'M SERIOUSLY RETARDED TO FIND IT. FUCK OFF BITCHES. I'm old enough to think for myself. When was the last time you asked me if I was ok? When was the last time you talked to me, and even tried to comfort me? When was the last time, when I got into a fight, THAT IT WAS SOMEONE'S ELSE FAULT OTHER THAN MINE? I'M NOT THE DAMN CHINESE EMPRESS, YOU DON'T BLAME EVERY SMALL LITTLE FUCKING THING ON ME. I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE ANGRY. I'M HUMAN. BUT YOU GUYS THINK OTHERWISE BECAUSE YOU TREAT ME LIKE A DOG RIGHT? THAT'S RIGHT, I'M A DOG. A DOG WHICH SUCKS ALL YOUR MONEY EVERYDAY. I EAT, SLEEP, DRINK AND WORK LIKE A DOG RIGHT? YEA, IT'S MY JOB TO BE THE DOG OF THE FAMILY. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU BROUGHT ME OUT FOR DINNER AND IT WAS TO CELEBRATE SOMETHING ABOUT ME? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU GUYS SAID GOOD JOB OR WONDERFUL? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME WHERE I ASKED FOR SOMETHING AND YOU'D GIVE IT TO ME?NEVER. I'VE NEVER SEEN OR HEARD ANY OF THEM ONCE IN MY LIFE.

You keep complaining that it's all about me. It should be some part me, some part everyone else. But it's been about everyone else already. What about me? Don't I get anything? Oh right, I get the crap of the bulk. You think dad wants to go overseas and work? He just goes over there to see pretty girls like those in the magazines he bought. Stupid mother. Make me pissed and it's my fault. You make the fuss about everything and it's my fault. Yes, i should stop talking to you, and everyone else who's made my life miserable. It's helped me quite a lot. I should stick to it. I don't need your god damned presents. I don't need the hong baos, and I definitely have no need for any of you guys except money. One day I shall just get married, get a good career, and totally dump you at an old age home. You guys can be there for hell I care.

Take all your bullcrap and fuck off.

Well, let's see. This one is going to be harsh, but I want to write it out anyway. It's the main reason why this blog was created. Well, shall we continue on our harsh attacks on those idiots we used to call friends? As God said, let me count thy ways....

One. Thanks for calling me a bitch, bitch:D Everyone knows you lie so much. You lied about your boy friend, your so called, Sebastian from St Andrews. Yea, he smoked and had sex with you right? And about shesia, is it real for a shesia smoker to not get tempted by it when you're sitting right in front of it? And please, the worst you could say was that you sold your art pieces to STRANGERS...... That is a little too far, ain't it? You could tell me that you even forgot your blog link and everything. And to be able to let people buy your merchandise, you gotta put it online or something, if not they wouldn't even look that them. Thus why do you think I'd think you'd be a liar and a bitch? Because you are totally one. And I have never said your art was bad, did I? It's always been better than mine and I have not cared about whether it was or not. And if people gossip about you, so what? What about those times when you gossiped about me? Do you think I don't know, and don't you think it doesn't hurt my feelings? Think again. This stupid cycle will continue, and I just so wanna see where you land at. Oh, I'm just dying to see.

Two. Nice breaking friends up when you yourself already are afraid of people doing the same to you. Nice job, I'm serious. You have not left your old habit of gossiping. Remember what I said? Gossips are when you're talking bad about someone. A comment is when you're not afraid to tell the person in the face what his problem is. Your own problem is that you think about yourself too much, don't you think so? I may be on my blog talking about you right now but I'm quite sure you wouldn't even fight back if you had the choice. You wouldn't even be smart enough to check this link out. Nice right? Wonder why your friends keep changing? Ask yourself, because it's the same reason why you did it to me.

Three. The worst. I didn't really want to care about the two on top, because it was about me, and I didn't really care, because my life ain't controlled by two idiots who want to make me feel bad about what I did. I didn't do anything wrong anyway. But, you, this number three, you were the worst. All JC wanted to do was to pray for you. And also get your friend to pray for you. It was for your own good, and you could have at least be smart enough not to reply or anything. I already knew that Abigail would tell you. The most you could do was just to shut your mouth up. Yet, you still threatened him. One smart alec. Seriously. I didn't care about the other two because they didn't even cause much trouble. The moment you touch one of my friends, you'll suffer severe hell. I'm serious. You better not touch any part of him or you're going to get it from me.

Four. My dad. What the hell is your damn bloody problem. I just changed the channel then you call me insolent. Am I a bloody dog or am I your daughter? When nathan gets angry, it's my fault. When I change the channel when NO BLOODY SOUL IS WATCHING IT, it's also my fault. What ever I do, it's totally my fault ok? You own me, so I must do whatever to please you. Don't you bloody ever care about us? Your children are always left alone and you think we're taking it easy. Wonderful dad you really are. Seriously. See how long my anger can take when you keep pouring yours on me, out of all the 4 children. Please kill me instead ok? I'm not worth living in the world. Seriously. Thankfully there are people who make like easier for me. I have to thank all those people who are with me right now. So one thing to say. DIE BITCH.

My anger may only be half out, but you seriously better watch out. I'm no one to mess with. And I will never go down without a fight. You just watch out, bitches. I mean my word, and please don't take it gently^^